For most of my life I have assumed I was a heterosexual cis woman. I was to be a "girl" and get married to a man and have kids and be happy. Growing up Southern Baptist in Texas raised by Republicans that was really the only option I thought I had. I was as devout a Christian as a kid can be. I told gay jokes and pulled the Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve bullshit. It was how I was raised and I embraced it because that's what you did.
As I have gotten older a lot of things have changed. My eyes have been opened to more than just male and female. More than just heterosexual and homosexual. There's a big range of things that a person can be. I never felt like I fit into the binary world that had been presented to me. The problem is that even with this multichromatic life I have been shown, I'm still not sure where I fit in.
This is what I know about myself. I feel more comfortable in men's clothing but I don't feel like I was born in the wrong body. I've always known I was a woman and I am okay with that. As a matter of fact, there's only once a month that I would really rather have a penis and I'm sure you can guess the reasons for that. I used to have a huge problem with people that wanted a sex change or considered themselves to be in the wrong body but that was my upbringing and I have since opened my mind. But, as I was saying, I don't feel like I was born in the wrong body but I feel like I was made for the wrong clothes. Men's clothing is more comfortable, and easier for me to work in. I have a hard time finding women's clothing that fits me properly or that I feel good in. I also know that whenever I have dreams, I am a man. That's always the case. In all the dreams that I actually remember, I've only ever been a woman one time. The rest I have been a man. I don't know what that means exactly. And then there's the fact that I have been told that I am very good at writing gay porn for someone that's never had a penis.
I appreciate beauty and can even identify people as being "hot" but I find that I am not actually physically attracted to any one specific person. Of the men that I have slept with only one would actually be considered attractive by a large group of people. When I say "sexy is an attitude" I genuinely mean it. I've been with men that managed to turn me on even though there was no real physical attraction to them. And I don't just find men aesthetically pleasing. I look at women and think "Damn she's hot" but I don't want to sleep with women. I truly appreciate boobs. I would play with Kat Dennings' boobs if she'd let me and it would be completely nonsexual. I do have sexual desires but they're not attached to any one specific person and I honestly can't really think about having actual sex with a person. The idea turns me off, really.
I look at men like Chris Evans and honestly think "I bet he gives great hugs." While other women look at him and think about tying him down and having their way with him. The only remotely sexual thing that I even imagine doing to him is licking chocolate sauce from his abs and I don't even know why I want to do that. Seriously.
I form more emotional attachments to fictional characters and, more correctly, cars than I do to actual people. Watching Baby get smashed to bits hurt me more than seeing Dean laying dead in Sam's arms. No lie. And I feel more sympathy for the Tardis than I ever did for the Doctor. I look at older cars and see these amazingly beautiful things that are practically art. I look at a person that is considered to be attractive and I just see someone that's good looking. There's no real desire to have sex with them. And I say them because I am talking about both men and women.
There are all kinds of labels out there now. Lots of things that you can consider yourself. And I'm still not entirely sure what the hell any of that has to do with me. How I fit in to any of this. I guess I'm just looking for a little bit of help in figuring things out. Because after nearly 37 years of being alive and thinking about who I am as a person, I still have no fucking clue.
This is what I know about myself. I feel more comfortable in men's clothing but I don't feel like I was born in the wrong body. I've always known I was a woman and I am okay with that. As a matter of fact, there's only once a month that I would really rather have a penis and I'm sure you can guess the reasons for that. I used to have a huge problem with people that wanted a sex change or considered themselves to be in the wrong body but that was my upbringing and I have since opened my mind. But, as I was saying, I don't feel like I was born in the wrong body but I feel like I was made for the wrong clothes. Men's clothing is more comfortable, and easier for me to work in. I have a hard time finding women's clothing that fits me properly or that I feel good in. I also know that whenever I have dreams, I am a man. That's always the case. In all the dreams that I actually remember, I've only ever been a woman one time. The rest I have been a man. I don't know what that means exactly. And then there's the fact that I have been told that I am very good at writing gay porn for someone that's never had a penis.
I appreciate beauty and can even identify people as being "hot" but I find that I am not actually physically attracted to any one specific person. Of the men that I have slept with only one would actually be considered attractive by a large group of people. When I say "sexy is an attitude" I genuinely mean it. I've been with men that managed to turn me on even though there was no real physical attraction to them. And I don't just find men aesthetically pleasing. I look at women and think "Damn she's hot" but I don't want to sleep with women. I truly appreciate boobs. I would play with Kat Dennings' boobs if she'd let me and it would be completely nonsexual. I do have sexual desires but they're not attached to any one specific person and I honestly can't really think about having actual sex with a person. The idea turns me off, really.
I look at men like Chris Evans and honestly think "I bet he gives great hugs." While other women look at him and think about tying him down and having their way with him. The only remotely sexual thing that I even imagine doing to him is licking chocolate sauce from his abs and I don't even know why I want to do that. Seriously.
I form more emotional attachments to fictional characters and, more correctly, cars than I do to actual people. Watching Baby get smashed to bits hurt me more than seeing Dean laying dead in Sam's arms. No lie. And I feel more sympathy for the Tardis than I ever did for the Doctor. I look at older cars and see these amazingly beautiful things that are practically art. I look at a person that is considered to be attractive and I just see someone that's good looking. There's no real desire to have sex with them. And I say them because I am talking about both men and women.
There are all kinds of labels out there now. Lots of things that you can consider yourself. And I'm still not entirely sure what the hell any of that has to do with me. How I fit in to any of this. I guess I'm just looking for a little bit of help in figuring things out. Because after nearly 37 years of being alive and thinking about who I am as a person, I still have no fucking clue.
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