Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

Spoilers ahead.  Just so you know.


Yes, I went to see this movie.  Anybody who knows me knows that I would go see any movie with Jeremy Renner in it, regardless of how ridiculous that movie might be.  This one turned out to be a little bit different.

You think you know the story of Hansel and Gretel.  But this movie changes the way you view that story.  Hansel and Gretel grow up to hunt down dark witches, like the one that nearly killed them when they were children.  Their father took them out into the woods and left them there, we found out later it was for their own protection.  Especially Gretel's, but I'll get to that.

Hansel and Gretel grow up and hunt witches for a living.  They seek revenge on those that would harm children.  And they're very good at it.  I was a little disappointed with the blatant PSA in the movie.  Poor Hansel was inflicted with a disease that requires him to take an injection every few hours or he dies.  This is because of the witch that capture them as children.  What I got out of it?   They made him diabetic because he ate too much candy as a child.  Yes, the candy was forced down his throat, but still.  Like I said, blatant PSA.

There's a lot of gore in the movie.  You can't get away from it.  And I will say that it's better than I thought it was going to be going in.  Now, as much as I love Jeremy Renner, there are moments when his lines aren't delivered in the best manner possible, in my opinion.  Though he does say "Don't eat the fucking candy" with the right amount of conviction and "You've gotta be fucking kidding me."  Most of the movie, he's pretty brilliant.  He gets thrown around a lot, and there is a scene with him shirtless.  There's also a bit with him appearing to be naked in chest deep water.  You know I was okay with that bit.  There's also a scene where he's drunk and sleeping on the floor.  Gretel has the bed.  She wakes him up because she has a dream about their mother.  Hansel says "We don't talk about that.  Go to sleep."  And then rolls over and curls up under the bed.  It's pretty hilarious.  

In the movie there is a troll named Edward.  Edward saves Gretel from an asshole, self important sheriff and his band of ruffians.  Why would he do such a thing, Gretel asks.  Edward's answer?  Trolls serve witches.  But he saved Gretel and then took off.  That's weird, right?  Now, this is the part I was getting to before.

We find out that the reason that Hansel and Gretel were taken out into the forest by their father was to protect Gretel from the dark witches that needed the heart of a grand white witch to complete a spell that would make them immune to fire.  So Hansel and Gretel are the twin children of a farmer and a grand white witch.  Shocker, right?  So this is when they find out that there are such thing as good witches in the world.  Their mother placed a spell on them that makes them immune to the magic of the dark witches.  And they run into a white witch that helps Hansel when he and Gretel get separated.  She finds him hanging upside down from a tree.  Also hilarious.

Over all, I'd say it's a decent movie.  I wouldn't call it a great movie.  It's not bad and I wouldn't mind seeing it again.  Especially since there's really only gore and language involved in the R rating.  Though my daughter doesn't want to see it in 3D because she doesn't want to see blood and guts flying at her, and I'm okay with that.

And yes, I know that I ranted about there not being a midnight viewing available in 2D but I got there tonight to change my ticket so I could see it at 10pm and there was a 2D available.  So it's still readily available, just not in advance.  But I know there will come a time when 2D is a thing of the past.

As a lover of weapons of various shapes and sizes I have to say that the different guns and other weapons in this movie were pretty kick ass.  There's even a folding shot gun.  It's pretty amazing.  And hard to describe. Anyway.

If you like gore with a little bit of corny, oh who am I kidding a lot of corny thrown in, go see the movie.  If you like Jeremy Renner or Gemma Arterton or Famke Jansen, go see the movie.  If you want to sit back and let your brain shut down for 90 or so minutes, go see the movie.  That's all I can say.

Also, I was made feel extremely old by the fact that Jurassic Park will be released in 3D in celebration of the 20th anniversary.  HOW HAS IT BEEN 20 YEARS ALREADY??!?!?!?!?  And that is all.
 

@thinkgeek and the scarceness of 2D

I've been brought to a horrible reality a little sooner than I expected.  But I will get to that.

First of all, I would like to once again thank thinkgeek.com for coming out with the 2D glasses that convert 3D movies into 2D.  This is helpful for me because 3D movies cause a panic attack when I try to watch them.  And having a mother and daughter that can both watch 3D means that I can take them to the 3D movie and not get a headache from being unable to wear the 3D glasses.  Now I just take my 2D glasses and I can enjoy the movie right along with them.

Why am I bringing this up?  Because of Hansel and Gretel Witch Hunters.  I have wanted to see this movie ever since I found out about it.  I am a HUGE Jeremy Renner fan as anyone who reads this blog would know.  So I want to watch this movie.   And I wanted to attend a midnight viewing.  The thing is, there isn't a 2D midnight viewing.  The only midnight show is IMAX 3D.  Which I can't watch.  And there's no $6 show on Saturday either.  Earliest 2D showing is at 110pm which is an $8 ticket.

So this is how it starts.  2D is going to become less and less available until I'm paying for a 3D ticket that I can't watch.   Eventually, movies are going to be coming out exclusively in 3D all because the market for 2D is so small.  It's ridiculous and stupid and I really wish that Hollywood would understand that there is still a market for 2D releases.  But they don't care.  All they care about is making money.  That's it.  It's really irritating.

Happy Birthday to Jeremy Renner who does not look 42 years old.